How to Talk to Children About Neurodiversity, Assessment and Diagnosis

One of the questions that we get asked most frequently is: how do we start the conversation about neurodiversity?

Parents typically want to ‘go there’ but they’re not sure which words to use or how to go about it.

This question comes up at different stages. Sometimes families are considering an assessment for autism or ADHD. They might have a strong sense their child is neurodivergent but aren’t sure if they want or need an assessment. Sometimes their child has already received a diagnosis and they aren’t sure how to talk to them about it.

And sometimes, they simply know that their child experiences the world differently and want to help them understand why some things seem easier for them than others.

There isn't one right conversation, and there isn't one right time to have it.

What matters most is helping a child gradually build an understanding of themselves.

Should I tell my child they are autistic or have ADHD?

There isn't one answer that works for every child.

For some children, having a name for their experiences can be really helpful. It can give them language for things they may already have noticed and help them understand that other people have similar experiences.

For others, it may feel more useful to start with the individual things they notice about themselves like how they concentrate, how they experience sensory input, how they manage change or what happens when they become overwhelmed.

These approaches aren't mutually exclusive.

A child might start by talking about their experiences and gradually learn more about autism or ADHD as they get older. Another child may want to know about their diagnosis from the beginning.

For some people, being autistic or having ADHD feels like an important part of their identity. For others, it is something they recognise as one part of how their brain works, but it doesn't feel particularly central to how they see themselves.

We believe there is room for both.

We also believe that people have a right to use the words that feel comfortable and meaningful to them.

The aim isn't to find the perfect words, or to use or avoid diagnostic terms altogether. It is to help a child develop an understanding of themselves that feels useful and makes sense to them.

Start with what your child already knows

Children often notice their own experiences long before they have the language to explain them.

They may know that school leaves them exhausted. That getting started on homework feels much harder than it seems to for other people. That concentrating is easier when they can move. That noise or busy environments can become overwhelming. That changes to plans feel difficult. That their feelings can become very big, very quickly, or take a long time to settle afterwards.

They may also notice differences in other people.

They might wonder why something that seems easy for a friend takes so much effort for them, or why they need things to be done in a particular way.

These observations can be a useful place to start.

Sometimes it is helpful to talk about these experiences before introducing a diagnostic term.

“You seem to find getting started really hard sometimes. I wonder if we could think together about what might make that easier.”

Or:

“You've told me that busy places can feel really overwhelming. Lots of people experience things differently, and we can work out what helps you.”

For some children, this may be enough to begin with. For others, understanding that these experiences can be part of autism or ADHD may be an important part of making sense of them.

The important thing is that the conversation helps your child understand themselves, rather than making them feel that something is wrong with them.

You don't need a diagnosis to talk about difference

Not every conversation about neurodiversity begins with a diagnosis.

Some parents come to us because they have noticed patterns in the way their child thinks, learns, communicates or experiences the world. They may have a strong suspicion that their child is neurodivergent and want help understanding their needs, but don't necessarily feel that pursuing a formal assessment is right for their family.

In these situations, the conversation with a child may simply be about difference.

You might talk about how some people find it easier to get started with things, while others need more time. How some people concentrate better when they are moving. How some people notice sounds, smells or sensations much more strongly. How people can experience and recover from big feelings in different ways.

You don't need to introduce a diagnostic term before it feels useful or appropriate.

For other families, a child may already have a diagnosis, or an assessment may be something they are considering. In those circumstances, talking about autism or ADHD may become part of helping the child understand themselves.

There is no need for every family to have exactly the same conversation.

How do I explain an autism or ADHD assessment to my child?

For some children, the idea of an assessment can sound worrying.

It can help to explain that an assessment isn't a test they can pass or fail. It is an opportunity for the adults around them to understand more about how they think, learn and experience the world.

You might explain that the people doing the assessment will want to understand what things are like for them, what they find easy and what they find more difficult.

It can also be helpful to be honest that an assessment may or may not lead to a diagnosis.

However, a child doesn't have to wait for a diagnosis for their experiences to be taken seriously or for adults to think about what might help.

At Insight, if a child clearly does not want an assessment, we will not assess them.

For young people aged 12 and over, they are also required to give their own consent to assessment. This doesn't have to happen at the initial consultation, so parents can contact us first if they want to talk things through before involving their child.

We also invite young people to contribute to their assessment in whatever way works for them and is appropriate. This might mean sharing their thoughts or observations themselves, writing something down, talking with someone they trust first, or sharing questions or worries with the team before the assessment begins.

The aim is not for a young person to feel that an assessment is something being done to them.

What if my child doesn't want to talk about it?

Some children will have lots of questions.

Others may not want to talk about it at all.

Neither response necessarily tells you how much they understand or how they feel about it.

A child might need time to get used to an idea before they are ready to ask questions. They may also come back to the subject much later, when something happens at school or home that gives them a new question.

It can be tempting to think that there needs to be one big conversation where everything is explained.

Usually, there doesn't.

Small conversations can be much more natural.

You might answer a question when it comes up, talk about something your child has noticed, or return to something that has been difficult for them.

The conversation can grow alongside your child's understanding.

When adults are worried about making a child feel different

In a previous role working with secondary-age children and young people, I was struck by how little some of them understood about their own diagnosis.

Some did not want to talk about it. For some young people, talking about their diagnosis felt like talking about being different, which felt uncomfortable.

There could also be a reluctance from the adults around them to draw attention to difference, particularly if they were worried that talking about autism or ADHD might make a child feel singled out or defined by it.

There can be a worry that if we talk too much about a diagnosis, a child might start to see themselves only through that label.

But when we avoid talking about difference altogether, we can leave a gap.

A young person may know that some things seem to come easily to other people but not to them. They may know that school leaves them exhausted, that friendships can be complicated, that getting started on work is difficult, or that certain environments feel overwhelming.

Without a way of understanding those experiences, they are left to make sense of them for themselves.

I've also worked with adults who received an autism or ADHD diagnosis later in life who have described it as giving them a framework for experiences they had been trying to understand for years.

Not because the diagnosis explained everything about them, but because it helped some things make more sense.

A diagnosis should never become an explanation for everything

Autism or ADHD may help us understand why some experiences are more likely to be difficult, or why certain environments or demands affect someone in a particular way.

But a child is still a whole person.

Their personality, relationships, experiences, strengths, circumstances and individual differences all matter too.

We don't want a diagnosis to become another way of saying “that's just their autism” or “that's because of their ADHD”.

Sometimes a behaviour or difficulty will be related to neurodivergence. Sometimes it won't. Often, there will be several things going on at once.

The purpose of understanding neurodiversity isn't to explain everything away. It is to give children and the adults around them another piece of information that can help them understand what they are experiencing and what might help.

Diagnosis doesn't change who your child is

A diagnosis doesn't create a different child.

The things your child finds easy, the things they find difficult, their personality, interests, relationships and sense of humour were already there.

A diagnosis can provide language and a framework for understanding some of those experiences. For some children and families, that can be helpful.

But it is only one part of the picture.

And if an assessment doesn't always lead to a diagnosis it doesn't mean the experiences that led someone to seek an assessment weren't real. It doesn't mean that a child suddenly doesn't need support.

Sometimes the most useful outcome of an assessment is a clearer understanding of what a child needs, whether or not a particular diagnostic label is given.

These conversations change as children grow

The way you talk about neurodiversity with a five-year-old is likely to be very different from the way you talk about it with a fifteen-year-old.

Children's understanding develops over time, and so does their understanding of themselves.

A young child might simply understand that their brain works in a particular way and that some things help them.

An older child may want to understand more about autism or ADHD, how it affects them personally, or how their experiences compare with other people's.

There may also be times when they don't want to talk about it.

That's okay too.

These don't need to be conversations that happen once and are then finished. They can be part of an ongoing process of helping your child understand themselves and giving them opportunities to ask questions when they are ready.

If you're not sure where to start

When you're talking with your child about neurodiversity, assessment or diagnosis, it can help to keep a few things in mind:

• Start with what they already know. Your child may have noticed that some things feel harder, more tiring or more overwhelming, even if they don't have the words for why.

• Diagnostic terms can be useful. They can give children language for experiences that may otherwise be difficult to understand.

• But you don't have to make the label the whole conversation. What matters is helping your child understand what their experiences mean for them.

• Follow their lead. Some children will have lots of questions; others may not want to talk much about it. Both are okay.

• Keep the focus on understanding, not fixing. The aim isn't to make your child fit a particular way of being, but to understand what helps them to feel, learn and function well.

• Make space for mixed feelings. A child might feel relieved, worried, curious, proud, confused or completely uninterested — sometimes at different points.

• Be honest when you don't know. You don't need to have all the answers. It's okay to say, “I'm not sure, but we can find out.”

• Support doesn't have to wait for a diagnosis. Understanding your child's needs can be useful whether or not an assessment is pursued or diagnosis is given.

• Let the conversation evolve. What your child wants to know when they are younger may be very different from what they want to know as they grow.

Most importantly, you don't have to get these conversations exactly right.

What matters is creating a sense that your child can ask questions, talk about their experiences and gradually develop their own understanding of themselves.

Autism, ADHD and neurodiversity are ultimately just words. It's about helping a child understand themselves, with the language, information and support that feels right for them at that point in their life